The Arms Forces

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

Day 30 TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans

TAF — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 13:25:06 +0000

Day 30 Ami- A Wife’s Journey With TBI

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

2.) Help facilitate CHANGE by partnering with The Arms Forces by assisting us in continuing our efforts for invisibly wounded veterans by collecting your CHANGE daily and at the end of March donating the money to The Arms Forces. (contact information below) Create a jar and label it:

“The Arms Forces CHANGE for TBI” and put it out where you and others will see it. When someone asks you what it is all about, share with them a bit about what you have learned about TBI. Share stories of the people you will learn about through our posts on Facebook and how their lives have been forever changed by their injuries.

If collecting change every day is not your thing then be a part of the CHANGE by making a donation to The Arms Forces through our website www.thearmsforces.org or by mailing a check to the address below.

Day 30 Ami- A Wife’s Journey With TBI

TBI is a family affair. The parents, children and the spouses are all affected when TBI comes crashing into their lives. Family dynamics change. Sometimes temporarily, many times permanently. Though today’s article is just one page long, it is packed with emotions that spanned many years of anguish, pain and deep, unconditional love. Ami struggled to write this. We had several conversations and I never wanted her to feel she “had” to do put her emotions down on paper. But, she told me as difficult as it was for her, she was taking her time with the process and really wanted to express her emotions in this way. She was grateful to have the opportunity to release some of her emotions by writing. I am so grateful she did as you will see by reading this, we have looked into the heart and soul of a woman who was nearly broken by TBI, her husband’s injuries. Thank you, Ami, for bringing us into your life and for trusting The Arms Forces to honor your story.

Ami’s Story-

I was so honored to have Pam reach out to me and ask for my point of view for an article to support her wonderful endeavors and crusade to help families and those affected by severe injuries resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injuries. I must say it has been very difficult for me to put into words my thoughts and experiences over the years. I must say that while I have had difficulties at the heart of this journey has been the person most affected my wonderful husband Michael. This is my reflections and emotions written down and they are deeply personal to me and being that I am not very good at exposing my emotions and sharing them even at times with my husband. I have always struggled with the feelings that emotions and crying were signs of weakness and this article exposed quite a bit for me but in exploring the emotions I have gained much insight into the strength of love and sharing that my husband has taught me over the years more so in the past year.

My husband Michael is my best friend, my soul mate for lack of a better reference which I know is cliché but so very true and the strongest and most capable heroic man I have ever met. His kind loving soul is an inspiration to me and I was blessed over 22 years ago to have met him. At the time we met he was enlisted in the Army at Fort Benning, Georgia it was my 19^th birthday and he was home on leave driving thru town with his friends as was I. We did what younger girls do we pulled over when a car of cute guys beckons you over, crazy I am sure today but it was the best thing I have ever done in my life and I have no regrets. It was a whirlwind relationship that has brought us here today where we are going to celebrate our 18^th wedding anniversary later this year.

My husband was severely injured in the last few weeks of his service to our country I remember the call I got from my sister in law who was in hysterics on the phone and said there had been an explosion and Mike was in the hospital and they did not know much more. I was devastated and confused and just needed to hear his voice but due to the injuries it was not till a few days later since he was mostly in an out of consciousness when we finally did get to speak and as he began to tell me more of what happened as far as injuries and what he could recall or even share my concern was more so focused on the injuries that were outside or something I could see, his most severe injury in my opinion was the fact that he had blown apart his hand and had to have surgery to reattach a good part that contained the thumb. In addition to that injury he suffered burns to his eyes and damage to his ear drum and a major concussion. Again my biggest concern was his hand when you think back 18 years or so there was really no focus and real research or groups or shows that provide a realistic view or information on these types of injuries such as there is today on PTSD and TBI for soldiers injured in combat much less those in explosions

My husband was finally released from the Army and came home and as I stated in the opening of this article my husband is the strongest man I know and he is proud and to a fault he does not ever like to seek help or express his fears or concerns. For most of our married life I think to my own fault I allowed that and I let him shut himself off from me and deal with his demons and many times I took it as rejection or him being secretive. I remember years ago about 2 years after he was medically discharged and he was having problems with his eyesight and his hand and we went to the VA hospital and he was disgusted with himself for going because as we waited and were among other patients many of them he felt were in much worse condition and that he did not belong there as if he did not deserve to be in the same halls waiting in the cold rooms where doctors came in and did there best but they did not treat the patients they just treated the injuries to the best of their abilities.

Over the years prior to my husband really taking charge of his deeper injuries and gaining more insight and knowledge from the wealth of information available today we struggled with many of the after effects of his injuries. I remember an evening shortly after we moved into our first home together and we had been married about a year, my husband whom I had never seen cry not even at a funeral woke up in a sweat and panic and was crying and upset, he was rambling about losing everything and life spinning out of control and he was a mess, I held him and I kissed him and rocked him back to sleep and was so perplexed at this incident, even more perplexing was the next morning he had absolutely no memories of the event, of the crying or the panic that he exhibited. He did not even recall having a bad dream.

Over the years I believe he had maybe one or two more night incidents similar to that but as time went by he began to have panic attacks in the mornings more and more and he never shared those experiences with me. It would start out with me hearing him struggling for lack of a better description and I would ask if he was okay he of course as always would say he was fine. Many times he would become very short and irritable for no reason just out of the blue he would snap I would give him an hour and he was back to normal more relaxed and the man I loved and wanted to spend all my time with the loving caring husband. Sometimes for lack of a better description it was literally like living at times with a Bi-Polar person. Worse would be when he would shut me out completely he has struggled over the years with terrible migraines some so severe they cause him to have blurred vision and dry heaves. These were many times hour long events where he would close himself off in the dark areas of our basement family room and just sleep for hours. Large crowds or unknown locations always put him on edge and worse was loud noises that would push him beyond the edge and sometimes send him down a path of frustration and anger.

Over the years he has still had struggles with his hand and the pain and lack of mobility it has really bothered him when he struggles to button things or when he loses his grip on an item and then curses himself as if it’s a fault of his that he struggles with his hand injury. I remember many times over the years his hand aching and he would finally break out of his comfort zone to ask if I would massage his hand and stretch it would help a little. I love this man so very much and it was hard not being able to help make the frustrations and struggles go away.

The fun really began about four years ago my husband began pursuing medical care again and reached out to specialists at the VA hospital he had met with some very wonderful people thru some Veterans organizations and they had sat him down and said listen you are deserving to be seeking any and all help you can get for your injuries and you need to pursue these avenues that’s what those services are there for. So we began a new journey of testing and analysis and obtaining old records and diagnosis. With all the new findings in the areas of Disabled Veterans and blasts or explosions there had been soldiers for years that had never been truly identified and treated for internal injuries such as TBI or PTSD. After one set of tests the doctors identified Mike as so high on the charts that they put him on a weekly monitoring call to check on him and his mental state. I was petrified and at the same time incredulous at some of the things he had to go through. They placed him on Topamak and again I was petrified since I had read a lot of negative things on this drug, they prescribed it to help with his migraines and his panic attacks and his issues with loss of balance and to help take the edge off and just when I thought it could not get any worse it did we were falling down a hole and I did not think we would make it out together. Over the course of the 4-6 months he was on these medicines I lost the man I loved he became angry all the time and worse was when we would go out or had friends over and alcohol was involved he lost all sense of reason and inhibition and would drink to oblivion. We argued constantly and it got to a point where we rarely even slept in the same room anymore he would sleep down in the dark basement and I would sleep in our bedroom.

Our marriage had its issues over the years but this was different we were so far apart from each other and neither of us was reaching out to the other. We still were together but we were not the happily married couple that we were for years we had lost us. Still I never ever looked at his injuries and really understood his struggles nor did I correlate some of these issues and causes together I am somewhat ashamed of that now as I have come to realize so much more over the past year and a half. Mike had received the diagnosis from the hospital that confirmed a lot of what he had been struggling with he did in fact have PTSD and suffered from a Traumatic Brain Injury. He did indeed suffer hearing loss, which for years he had struggled with and I did as well since I was sure if I said something to him he was ignoring me or to engrossed in the TV which was a little louder than I liked, and that contributed to his issues with balance and nausea. And a big issue that he had struggled with for years was his memory he always had holes that he could not fill or events he forgot. He would tell stories to me that I had heard a couple times but I just assumed he was reveling in his younger days but he truly did not remember sharing them with me. While his injury to his hand had always been what I considered to be his greatest injury in the explosion and it is indeed a serious injury he continues to struggle with since he has limited mobility and use and it does offer up quite a bit of pain for him still I did not see the other injuries I did not understand them yes he got the diagnosis but what does that mean to someone like me who just did not understand and was not connecting with her husband. He had done a lot of research on his own and had really started to delve into his options but we never sat down and discussed them or learned together. He discontinued the Topamak after he started hearing from not just me but from friends and family that knew him that he had changed and it was not good. We still were not working on our marriage and we were slipping away from each other but he was coming to understand his symptoms and was actively pursuing remedies. Now I must say by no means were his injuries and the resulting side effects the main reason our marriage was crumbling it certainly was not helping that we were not talking we were not working together on our marriage or his struggles with his injuries.

Fast forward to a little over a year ago I was lost and just saw that he was shut away and withdrawn and secretive and just was not talking. We had lost each other along this journey and neither of us had even realized it we just fought then would kiss and make up but fall back in the same rituals. I had been letting him slip away and we were basically roommates, not best friends, not husband and wife and most certainly not soul mates. Our marriage was crumbling before me. Many times when Mike was struggling over the years and I was not working with him I would tell him just divorce me and find someone that makes you happy. I just never felt I made him happy no matter what I did he was still in these moods of despair and happy to close me out. At least that’s how I always saw it again these were not our only issues but in relation to this article I feel it’s important to share them. Well this time he said it he was ready to walk he was not happy and he was ready to end our life together.

I experienced my first panic attack one day later, I would experience several more over the next few weeks. I had dry heaves for about two weeks, I could not eat and I basically locked myself away in a dark room. I was experiencing first hand a small amount of what he had struggled with for years. I could not bear to live this way and somewhere inside of me I struggled to see how anyone could ever deal with these types of symptoms how they could function every day when it started with a panic attack or dry heaves. When I had cried for more than I believe anyone can ever cry I had a headache that lasted for four days and I could not even eat or deal with lights or noises. These were all things my husband had struggled with for over 20 years.

The hard part was that I never knew what he experienced I always assumed that yes he was not feeling well but I never knew how he was truly feeling because he never fully shared any of this with me. His memory lapses over the years were things I blamed on him not caring enough yet they are things that he really can’t control, there are many spaces he is missing that he will never get back since his injury. But now that I have really started to learn more I can come to some understanding of the causes. Mike and I really started to talk to try to retrace our steps that we lost and to try to find our way back to each other. He shared with me more in the first few months about his struggles and on so many levels I could relate. I know by no means did I suffer injuries as severe as he has but the panic attacks and physical illness I suffered when we were at the point of no return I would never wish on anyone. I read everything he suggests I research what I can find on mostly blogs and articles from people who are dealing with the day to day and the aftermath of these types of injuries while I believe doctors do the best they can to patch up the soldier and help them with the physical pain there are many areas that they can’t help and I believe I have learned the most from people who have lived through these types of injuries and the families that stand by them. I love my husband with all my heart and we are so much stronger now that we are both working on these things together. Now when he feels irritable or wants to just shut down he will share that with me as he starts to feel himself struggle. And I acknowledge that and give him the space knowing that its not that he does not love me or wants to be away from me but because he loves me and does not want to hurt me or say something he will regret. When he is having a panic attack he has been reaching out to me and talking about how he felt and I do my best to reassure him and let him know I have got him when he needs me to catch him. This is the man I will spend the rest of my life with and we will work together on this every step of the way. It was hard getting here but I have no regrets. For better or for worse in sickness and in health till death do we part.

I am so thankful for the wonderful groups and organizations that are focusing on our servicemen and women. And I truly am hoping that my story will provide insight and hope to the spouses of those men and women. These men and women display such bravery and courage and they ask nothing in return. That may be the hardest thing they ever do is reach out there hand and say I need you and I need help, my answer is to say to all of the spouses before you throw in the towel and walk away reach out your hand to them and say I need you and I want to help, I love you and we are in this together. And finally don’t be afraid to cry and show your emotions and feelings back to them for years I did that and I have learned my husband is there to catch me when I am wavering in spirit and heart. He is my best friend and he is my soul mate.

Regards,

Ami H. VanHooser

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

Day 29 TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans

TAF — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 13:51:19 +0000

Day 29 SEX and TBI

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

Day 29 SEX and TBI

SEX and TBI……I saved this one for day 29 because I know that we are getting to the end of our 31 Days of learning about TBI and you might be losing interest! What perks interest more than that three letter word, SEX? A little humor for today, but the subject of sex and TBI is a serious one. Recently, I was asked to do a radio show with a “Sexuality Tutor” about this topic and welcomed the opportunity to discuss what many don’t address about traumatic brain injury.

Sex, though we think originates in other parts of our body, which we won’t get into today in this article, originates in the BRAIN! As we discussed in one of our previous articles, all of our bodily functions are controlled by the “hard drive” in bodies, our brain. Our sexual functions are no different. We have learned about sexuality so much more in the last twenty years. Most of us have a greater understanding that our emotions control whether or not we have a fulfilling, lasting sexual experience. This article is not about moral decisions on whether or not you should have sex with someone, when, where or any other judgment call. This article is about the natural physical and mental process that humans were created to have; sexual relations.

So, what happens when the brain, the MOS, main operating system of our bodies has been physically altered by a TBI? What are the consequences to the sexual experience due to the emotional changes in a TBI survivor? And, how do the environmental changes within the relationships that exist with a TBI survivor and his/her sexual partner, such as going from spouse to caretaker, affect sexual desire and intimacy?

If a TBI is so severe that a person cannot physically be aroused or perform in a sexual relationship, that is a much greater challenge and one that we won’t talk about today, due to the length of such a discussion. Today, we will address those survivors who have made it through the major recovery processes and are ready to begin their sexual life once again.

Cognitive difficulties linger on, to some extent, after the major recovery in most TBIs. Things like memory, judgment and responsiveness, processing speeds and skills and insight are some cognitive issues that might remain impaired. Responsiveness is sometimes characterized by impulsiveness – acting before thinking through the consequences of behaviors – including the patient’s sexual responsiveness. As a result, normal sexual thoughts and feelings are not censored or inhibited as in a non-injured person. This extends to remarks and actions that reflect sexual thoughts and are inappropriate to the immediate circumstances, such as touching and repeated sexual references.

One can imagine how this might affect the partner’s response to the injured partner. Many times people with TBI take things literally. Joking and sarcasm about their sexual abilities, or their behavior is not a good way to create a change in the behavior that might be socially unacceptable. It is better to identity the inappropriate behavior, explain why this behavior is inappropriate and provide them with an alternative behavior such as “Next time, it might be better if you said this rather than….” Unfortunately, rarely is sexual therapy ever included in TBI rehabilitation programs. Not surprising, since most therapy programs do not include the necessary cognitive rehabilitation, so to include sexual therapy, well, it just isn’t going to happen anytime soon. That is one reason I bring information to you through The Arms Forces organization.

We are all pretty much aware that sexuality is greatly influenced by our self-esteem and self-perception, or the way we view ourselves in relation to our environment and other individuals. Changes in appearance, thinking skills and or physical changes related to brain injury alter an individual’s self-perception and result in changes in their sexual thoughts and desires. Self-esteem issues are so important to brain injury and are not being addressed with all areas of recovery, let alone sexual recovery. Low self-esteem lowers our “hope factor” that we have control over our own life and the ability within us to make positive changes in our lives. The power of HOPE is under-utilized in most rehabilitation programs for TBI.

TBI fatigue, decreased mobility, low confidence, feeling unattractive for physical and mental reasons, difficulty communicating, pain, depression, sadness, loss of initiative or motivation, apathy or loss of pleasure in living all can factor in to a decline in all relationships in a survivor’s life, but especially their intimate relationships. Though a TBI survivor may be one who seems pre-occupied with sexual remarks and behavior these do not necessarily transfer over to a sexual experience. These new behaviors can be frightening and confusing to those who were sexually involved with the person before the injury. In reality, most sexual drive does not change in people who have sustained a brain injury. The ability to control their thoughts or actions may have changed, but the desire remains the same. The frontal lobe of the brain is what helps all of us “hold back” our urges and allows us to inhibit ourselves appropriately. If there was damage to this area, then inhibition might be altered.

Sexual changes in arousal and performance after TBI are more often a result of interpersonal difficulties than physical change in the survivor’s physical abilities. Again, we are talking about those without major physical disabilities that interfere with sexual performance. Sexual counseling remains the exception rather than the rule in multidisciplinary rehabilitation programs. Actually, it is a subject matter that is rarely even brought up with TBI surviors.

Unless the hypothalamic-pituitary function of the brain has been disrupted, sexual responses such as erection, vaginal lubrication, ejaculation, orgasm and fertility are not altered as a direct consequence of brain injury. The interpersonal difficulties are the main area of concern with sexuality in most brain injuries. It would seem that a spouse that was a real pain, crabby and not nice to be around then has a brain injury and turns into this nice, soft-spoken, gentle person would always be an immediate good thing. But, even this type of situation can cause great stress on a relationship. You are going along in life and got things worked out to accept things and then BAM, one day, the game changes. Of course sexual relations are going to change too!

Going from being a loving spouse with a bit of equality between the roles of each person to being a caretaker is naturally going to affect the way the two people in the relationship relate to each other and the intimacy between them. Imagine reminding a person which drawer his underwear is in and to call the doctor and to take the meds and to turn off the stove and then ravish each other with sexual attention. It does take some work to go from one role to the other. This is another reason that caretakers need a break. A wife needs time to be a wife; a husband needs to be a husband. Many of the studies that are done dealing with the impact of TBI on family and marital relationships fail to address the sexual problems. The Arms Forces organization believes it is an important topic to be addressed and we recognize the affect it can have on the families of veterans with TBI. I talk with so many spouses who are spending most of their lives being a caretaker and very little being a spouse. No wonder relationships and families are being torn apart from traumatic brain injury. The Arms Forces strives to be able to give even a little respite for the spouse and offer some direction, comfort and hope to those who are caring for our veterans with TBI.

Medicines also play a role in sexuality and those issues need to be addressed with the primary care doctors, sooner than later. The interaction of drugs, along with the emotional difficulties of a survivor and any physical issues should be part of a successful recovery program.

Sex…oh how we sometimes snicker, or we avoid the topic because we think it is for only behind closed doors, but our sexual functions in our body are just as natural as our respiratory, circulatory and other systems. For many, sexuality is a spiritual connection. If we had a problem with our heart, we wouldn’t think twice about going to see a cardiologist. If we had problems breathing, we would have our lungs checked. If traumatic brain injury has entered your life either as a survivor or a loved one of a survivor, address your sexual needs and difficulties as you would any other problem with your body. Our health depends on good emotional health as well as good physical health. Sexual health is part of our emotional and physical make up.

A good, fulfilling sexual life after TBI is very possible. Relationships, though some believe always fail after TBI, which statistically is not true, can be nurturing and successful for both parties. Love can transcend all difficulties and grow even more deeply in the face of adversity. Studies prove that to be a fact! Perseverance and reaching out and getting the right help are the keys to having a life that is fulfilling and has passion and purpose.

The Arms Forces is here for you to help empower you to have a more fulfilled life after TBI!

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

Day 28 TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans

TAF — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 09:41:14 +0000

Day 28 What could have been different?

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

Day 28 What could have been different?

A friend of mine who has become so dear to me has written today’s article. Desiree (Dez) friend requested me on Facebook not that many months ago. Since then, we have developed a bond over our mutual love for her soulmate, Phillip. I never got to meet Phillip, but I know him. I know him because of Dez and the stories she has shared with me. I know him because of the heart this woman has for others with TBI and PTSD. I know him because he is like so many that I have met and read about; those with TBI who are struggling, some win the battle, some don’t. Phillip didn’t. Could his death have been avoided? We will never know that for sure. But, one thing I do know for sure, is that he inspires me to do more to help our TBI brothers and sisters and those with PTSD. I know he will inspire you and when you read what his amazing, loving Desiree wrote you will understand why he loved her so much. I am blessed to have been given a chance to know Phillip through my dear friend Dez and I am pleased to have you meet them both today!

My Phillip, by Dez

People come in and out of our lives daily. There are only a few that make a real impact. One year ago I met the most beautiful man to have entered my life and this is our story.

I met Phillip through his sister Erika, who just happens to be one of my best friends. When I met him, I was living in Sacramento, California and he was living in Juneau, Alaska. The first night we met we stayed up late talking. I told him about my dad, a Vietnam vet who committed suicide after suffering from PTSD, heroin addiction, homelessness, and unemployment for fifteen years. Phillip talked about his time in Iraq and he showed me his scar on his foot where an IED almost blew it off. He told me how half of the time his foot was numb and tingly, half the other time it was in pain. Behind his beautiful smile, big laugh, and his goofiness was a man in pain. In his eyes I could see his hopelessness and despair. I thought to myself, “is this how dad felt?”

A couple of days later I was on a plane headed back home, but I didn’t want to go back. I had an overwhelming sense of belonging in Juneau. As soon as I landed in Sacramento I started my research to find help for Phillip. I was on a mission! I spent hours on the internet looking for resources for him. I also did research on PTSD trying to educate myself on the symptoms and treatment. At this point, I wasn’t aware of his TBI.

We continued our friendship via Facebook and eventually through text. There would be silly postings back and forth on each other’s Facebook statuses. We even had a “poke” war going on for a bit, plus numerous private messages. We talked about our jobs, our kids, our pasts, how difficult it was to find that special someone. He said that he came to terms with the possibly of growing old alone because women didn’t want to be with him due to his “negative attributes”. He claimed to be broken and that’s why women ran away from him. He was adamant that he’d never get married again and that the word “love” was a four letter word. With two divorces under his belt, who can blame him? I told him that he may be broken, but he’s mend-able, he just hadn’t found a woman strong enough, and to keep his chin up. I frequently offered words of encouragement. I became his cheerleader.

I eventually learned that Phillip did have a TBI and how it affected him. Food didn’t taste the same, he was forgetful, and he had trouble backing up a car. Sometimes he would say things that wouldn’t make sense or he’d use the wrong words when trying to express himself. He was always fatigued and lacked concentration.

Research on resources for Phillip wasn’t going too well. I was finding plenty of them, but none that reached Juneau. I kept hitting brick wall after brick wall. It was frustrating. No wonder he had pretty much given up. Then I found a non-profit organization called Give an Hour (GAH). They provide free mental health services to veterans, their families, and even their significant others. I emailed Jessica from GAH, she said that even though they didn’t have providers in Juneau, she would search for one that would provide phone counseling for Phillip. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel!

Our friendship had grown into something more and I felt that I could be of more help if I moved to Juneau. So, I found a job, packed up my boys, and we moved to Juneau. Although I fell in love, being in a relationship with him wasn’t always easy.

On one of our dates, we got on the tramway that took us to the top of Mt. Roberts. We roamed around, had fun, and got eaten up by mosquitoes. While we were waiting in line to get back on the tramway, a woman, maybe in her late 50’s or early 60’s and all of 5’1”, came up from behind me and said, “excuse me” as she passed me. This made me lean into Philip. All of the sudden, he yelled, “excuse you!” I was shocked and slightly embarrassed. The lady turned around and yelled back, “I did say excuse me!” I confirmed that she did excuse herself and apologized to the lady. He didn’t hear her and thought that she had pushed me into him. As she walked back, this 5’1” lady and 5’11” hunk of a man stared each other down! He later apologized profusely for embarrassing me. I tried to make light of the situation and said, “Philly, thank you for protecting me from the little old lady, but I think I could’ve taken her.” Protecting me from little old ladies had become the running joke throughout our relationship! He was good at protecting those he cared for and loved, but sometimes not so much for himself. A friend’s brother once was rude and disrespectful to him in his own house and he didn’t do anything about it.

I’ve never dated anyone who suffered from a TBI and PTSD, so I had a lot of learning to do. On one occasion, Phillip gave me a hug. Me being the silly girl I am, hugged him back, but when he tried to pull away, I held on tighter and wouldn’t let go. After about a minute he said, “Ok Dez, you can let go now.” Smartass Dez said, “Nope.” Then he grabbed me, pushed me away, and said, “I’m starting to get anxiety, it reminds me of combat.” I was horrified. He didn’t hurt my feelings, I just felt horrible that I had triggered an anxiety attack. This was the second time I had triggered his anxiety. The first time was earlier in the week, when I wouldn’t let him smoke in the car while his son was in it. He later apologized for pushing me away. I told him that I’m the one that should be apologizing and to be patient with me while learn what his triggers are.

We had quite a few good times together. He made me laugh daily. We watched movies together nightly. I’d take him dinner when he was at work and just hang out with him. He would joke around with me and say, “Woman, this dinner better be good or you’ll be punished!” I’d retort back with, “promise?” He’d come have lunch with me at work. Every once in a while, he would playful pounce on me and thinking that he had my arms pinned down, I’d reach around and give him a super wedgie! We would text each other constantly. The first time I sent him a text in Spanish, “Tu eres mi Corazon.” (You are my heart) He responded with, “No thank you, sweetie. I don’t want burritos for dinner.” About an hour after that he sent me a text in German, “Du bist mein herz zu, mein schatz!!” (You are my heart, my treasure) After that, anytime I sent him a text in Spanish, he’d respond in German. He had even begun to use that dreaded “L” word, “Babe, I love you ‘cause you make my life normal.” He always knew how to brighten my day and when we went to bed, he always made sure he had his arms wrapped around me. He made me feel safe.

Phillip told me some of his stories from his time in Iraq, but then the nightmares came back. During one of them, he grabbed my hand and that woke the both of us up. I let him know that he didn’t hurt me, held him, and told him was home safe. I would later find out from Phillip’s best friend that it terrified him that he had grabbed me and was scared of hurting me. I knew violent nightmares was a possibility, I didn’t get into this relationship blindfolded. After that nightmare, he completely closed up about Iraq. He would do that a lot. One moment he’s lovey dovey, and the next he’s distant and cold. Sometimes I think he would do things on purpose just to try to push me away. A couple of light bulbs burned out in our apartment, he got angry and when I tried to calm him down, he yelled at me and stormed out. He wouldn’t talk to me until the next morning. He told me that he wasn’t the man he used to be. I told him that I didn’t know that man and that I’m only interested and in love with the man I know now. Yes, he was a challenge that I took on and I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I was more determined than ever to find him help.

Jessica did get back to me. She gave me the number and email for a LCSW at the Anchorage VA. I passed that info on to Phillip, but he never contacted him. So I did. First, I left him a voicemail, but I got no response. I emailed him and still no response. Then I contacted somebody at the Juneau Alliance for Mental Health, Inc. They referred me to the new VA clinic that was opening in Juneau at the end of October. I gave that info to Phillip and told him to make his appointments. He confessed to me that he didn’t trust the VA and that the only way he would get counseling through the VA is if I went with him. He told me that I was the only one he could trust. I told him that was a deal because we were a team and that we were going to get through this together. I promised him that I would never give up on him. I contacted the Juneau VA clinic to set up his appointments. His medical appointment was set for December 7^th. I made sure it was on my day off so I could go with him. I wanted to discuss with the doctor the importance of getting Phillip’s foot fixed and express my concern over the cocktail of medications they had him on. The VA had him on Celexa, Welbutrin, Trazadone, Ritalin, and Lisinopril. His mental health appointment was scheduled for December 10^th. I have a wonderful boss that was able to give me that day off. Things were looking hopeful; we were on our way now!

On December 5^th, Phillip had lunch with me at my work. While we were waiting for our order, he looked at me and said, “Ya know, I’ve been thinking about marriage and I see myself married to you.” I about fainted! I teased him, “What, but I thought you said that were never going to get married again?” He blushed, smiled his beautiful smile, and said, “Yeah, I know.” We got distracted when our order was ready. I was ecstatic! He was thinking about a future versus when I first met him when he felt like he had no future. Yes, there was some progress! When I got home from work, he sheepishly smiled and asked, “So, did you think about what I said earlier?” I answered, “Yes, of course I’ll marry you, silly!” The next night as we were getting ready for bed we got into a debate on whether or not I was going to take his last name. He thought that I should keep my father’s name or at least hyphenate it. I laughed and said, “Desiree Victoria Rodriguez-Patch, are you kidding me? My name is long enough as it is! I’m dropping Rodriguez and taking Patch, proudly!” He just smiled and said, “Ok.” As we got into bed he said to me, “I’m glad you’re in my life, babe. I love you.” I told him that I was glad he was in my life, too, and that I loved him. We kissed and went to sleep.

The next morning, December 7^th, Phillip slipped into a coma and on December 12^thhe passed away.

Because of him, I gained perspective on what my dad went through. I had been angry with him for over twenty years for committing suicide. Now I understand and I am no longer angry. Though our time together was brief, I am eternally grateful to have had that time with him. Phillip once told me that he believe that there was a reason that God had brought us together and he thought it was to help me find peace with my dad’s suicide. Apparently, he was right.

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

TAF — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 17:31:33 +0000

Day 27 The last weekend of the Challenge for CHANGE

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

Day 27 The last weekend of the Challenge for CHANGE

It is the weekend so I won’t be writing an article, but instead of our usual weekend video or online article on TBI, I am asking you to be more aware of the people around you today. When you go to church today, when you stop by the store, or get gas, or share a meal in a restaurant of strangers; whatever you do today where other people might be, look in their eyes and greet them with a smile. Hold back the nasty attitude when they cut you off on the road. When they don’t say thank you after you bought the item from the store, thank them and wish them a good day.

We just never know what is going on in that person’s life. We may think a person is mean and nasty, but they well may be exhibiting the hurt inside of them that has been festering for years. Who knows if they were just diagnosed with a disease, had a child die, a spouse leave or cheat, or a victim of a crime.

Can you imagine going up to a person in a wheelchair and treating them poorly and rudely? Well, someone whose disabilities you can’t see, may be experiencing the same hurt, pain, emotional discomfort and need a friendly hello and a warm smile just as much as those whose disabilities are “seen”.

If we learn to not just “act” kind to those we think need our kindness at the moment and just learn to BE kind, then we wouldn’t have to pick and choose who “needs” our kindness. Just BE kind and considerate today. Try it again tomorrow and the next day and the next. I am absolutely positive that YOUR days will be better because of it!

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

Day 26 TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans

TAF — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 15:56:02 +0000

Day 26 The last weekend of the Challenge for CHANGE

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

Day 26 The last weekend of the Challenge for CHANGE

It is the weekend so I won’t be writing an article, but instead of our usual weekend video or online article, I am asking you to reread some of the articles from the past few weeks. The easiest way to find them is to go to the website blog and at the bottom of the page click on “More entries”. Many times when we reread an article, something new pops out at us that we missed the first go around. Most of the Articles give you a title of what the article is about, which might help you decide which article to read again.

TBI survivors many times have difficulty reading. Sometimes the words jump around a page, dizziness that interferes with making your eyes go across a page, or even a tendency to have letters jumbled, like in dyslexia. For others, the reading problems stem form the lack of ability to focus for certain periods of time. Rereading things is very common for TBI.

The first year of my injury I would pick up a book and begin reading it from back to front. I would go chapter after chapter and not realize I was doing this. Obviously, I was turning pages, but not actually comprehending since books are not written to be read from the back to the front! Reading become so difficult that I almost gave it up. But, I had a great thirst for knowledge about my new brain and wanted to absorb all I could about traumatic brain injury. I found that reading online was easier for me. I could click from one article on one page when I got bored, or antsy and losing focus, and go to the next and read part of that, then the next and so on until I was somehow getting a complete picture of the subject matter.

As with many of my fellow TBI survivors, I still have difficulty reading. I like a certain “condition” or environment to read. Certain lighting, sound, taking breaks and dissecting reading into manageable chunks of material are all important to me to be able to get through whatever it is I want to read.

Reading the Bible was easy for me because it didn’t matter if I read it from back to front, or skipped all over it. I was still getting the meaning of the message. Actually, without turning to this Book to read, I am not sure I would have learned that the brain can pick up pieces of information here and there and create a manuscript of information in the brain. If I hadn’t learned how to do this new method of reading, and turned to online reading, I would not have become as educated as I am on traumatic brain injury.

This weekend, skim the articles in the 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans, pick up what your brain is leading you to pick up and learn a new thing or two. Next week we conclude our 31 Day Challenge with 4 more articles! Have a great weekend and thank you so much for stopping by!!

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555

hope@thearmsforces.org –email

Day 25 TBI Challenge for CHANGE for Veterans

TAF — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 17:17:34 +0000

Day 25 Time Out from TBI

Remember!! The 31 Day TBI Challenge for CHANGE during March, Brain Injury Awareness Month, consists of just two parts:

1.) Please learn something new about TBI every day. We will be posting an article daily on our Facebook and website pages to make it easy for you to learn. Today’s article is below.

2.) Help facilitate CHANGE by partnering with The Arms Forces by assisting us in continuing our efforts for invisibly wounded veterans by collecting your CHANGE daily and at the end of March donating the money to The Arms Forces. (contact information below) Create a jar and label it:

Day 25 Time Out from TBI

A survivor can feel completely consumed by a traumatic brain injury. For survivors who have been able to recover to a point to want to move on in their life, TBI still has a way of defining their lives, almost at every turn of every day. After all, our brains control every single thing in our bodies, whether it be physical or mental. We learned a lot in the last few weeks in this challenge about TBI and what life is like for a survivor and the family and friends that are closely involved in their lives. The best way to get the physical and mental energy needed to continue to find the strength, the passion in life after a TBI, is to have a TIME OUT.

As a survivor, I encourage every one of my TBI brothers and sisters, to take time just for them. Going to doctors and counselors and having testing done is NOT time for you!! I am talking about time to nurture your inner self. Learn about YOU and what you still like to do that you did before, what new things interest you and find a way to bring those things into your life. Finding the ability to feel joy after TBI is a struggle for many survivors. But, I know it is possible! Just like the monkey we talked about a few days ago in one of the articles for the TBI Challenge, who fights to hold onto seeds because he loves them so much, loses his freedom to experience life in the way that would make him most happy because of his unwillingness to let go of what he thinks is a treasure, the seeds; instead they become a trap.

Our bodies were made to have rest. A common challenge for those with TBI is a change in sleep patterns. Some is caused by the physical changes to the brain, some by the mental stressors associated with living with a TBI and some by the medicines that a TBI survivor may be taking. Naps and downtime during the day is a necessity for many who have a TBI. Sometimes, the ability to incorporate more short periods of rest into a workday can make the difference in whether a TBI survivor can sustain work or not! But, beyond this kind of rest, humans need time to revigorate themselves through play and relaxation.

Computers, photography, writing, volunteering, dance and music, gardening, model airplanes all great examples of hobbies to relax the soul and give the brain a creative outlet. Simple exercise if the body can’t take much more, sharing healthy activities with friends and family, exploring new cities or new ideas, all great way to reward the brain! Our spirits need to find a way to be lifted so that the lifelong challenges that may exist with TBI don’t become overly burdensome.

Some choose a spiritual path to lift themselves and maintain a good balance in life. Studies have proven that those who have a strong spiritual base are more healthy both physically and mentally. Laughter, one of my favorite medicines, is an awesome way to relieve stress and maintain a postive outlook on life. What can you find in your life today to laugh about? What makes you giggle like a child or burst into a robust laughter heard two blocks away? Find that source of laughter and be sure to incorporate into your life as often as possible. Who makes you smile? Spend more time with that person or persons and develop more relationships that make you smile.

What kinds of places bring you the most peace? A place of worship? A garden? A Nascar Race? By the water? Surrounded by family? Spend more time where you feel most at peace….but reach out to try new things. Ruts are the enemy of good self-esteem and a joyful spirit. Where it is easiest to be is not where you should always be! At least once a week try something new. Even if it seems like such a small step, it could have big benefits. And, give yourself a “high five” for leaving your comfort zone!

Reward yourself. Chocolate? A rented movie? Dinner out? Buying a new fishing pole? Whatever it is that you can afford to do for yourself, do it every once in awhile.

Take a TIME OUT from TBI this weekend and rest and revigorate your spirit! Share with me through email or Facebook what you did JUST FOR YOU this weekend! I will be thinking of you, my TBI veterans and their families, as I rest my spirit and spend time with my family this weekend. You are all in my heart and I carry you with me wherever I go. I love you and appreciate you!…….and you make me smile!!

With open arms,

Pam Hays

Founder/President and severe TBI survivor

The Arms Forces

PO Box 981

Maumee, OH 43537

419-491-1555